There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
