9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
My butt remains clenched, sir.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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