First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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