final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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