Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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