worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
