...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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