I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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