Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
