No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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