I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
