I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
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