i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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