Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
