Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I supernannyed him into submission
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize