I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
