My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
