ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
