I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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