i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
