Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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