We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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