I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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