I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
