why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
