I wish my penis had an off switch
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
