so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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