At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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