mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
