and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
