I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
