so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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