why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
