I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
