Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
