Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
