i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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