Someone shit on the floor
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
