Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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