i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize