At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
