Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I look better un-naked...
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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