the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
How drunk are you?
Completed.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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