God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Randomize
