First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
