my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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