I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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