i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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