U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
