how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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