shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You've changed since you got that strap on
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