Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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