a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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